It's been a while.. I've been lurking but not posting. Received loads of Notes and Messages asking where I am etc. with my last submission being in 2014. Guess I should explain. I should warn you, It's not a Happy Story.
Throughout 2014, I ended up in Hospital three times that year. Once in February, Again in June / July then finally once more in November / December. Mainly due to me being a Type-1 Diabetic. Being stuck with needles and stuck in Hospital for weeks was normal at first but eventually began to take its toll on me. I ended up going down to 49 Kg and being 6 foot 3 inches, I was literally on the bottom end of the BMI scale.
This was mainly due to Diabetes eating away at my Muscle and Body Fat since It couldn't use the Glucose in my Blood for Energy properly. When this happens, The Body produces something called Ketones. High Level of Ketones is extremely toxic and literally turns your Blood acidic. So as you can guess, I was pretty Ill. The worst part? Some of the Doctors thought I was losing weight through Bulimia. They thought I was eating and throwing up on purpose and that I was Anorexic. This really confused me as to why they thought that when they should have known the effects of Diabetic Ketoacidosis [ DKA ] and what it does to the body.
As time went on, Due to stress and my Glucose levels in my Blood going way out of control, My right leg muscle began wasting away and I ended up with severe limp. This affected me greatly as I couldn't walk 2 minutes without tiring out or climb stairs without support. Some Doctors claimed it was Vitamin D Defficiency while others said it was Muscle Atrophy. Either way, It was tough and thank goodness that I am able to work from Home.
Finally in November, I ended up in Hospital a third time. I was weak, Barely had any Muscles and dazed. My Hair literally began to curl from all the stress [ I will probably upload a Before and After on Sta.sh ]. In comes a Doctor who looks at me and says " You are Silly for saying you don't have an eating disorder. Not very smart ".
Being insulted, Having been dealing with weakness most of the year, My work productivity suffered and ending up in Hospital again..
My mental state broke. I literally crashed and ended up falling into a deep severe clinical depression which I still have to this day.
I literally no longer find any enjoyment in things I used to do.
I can't draw. I can't make music. I can't even listen to my favourite songs. When trying to play on my Xbox, I would pick up the controller then stare at the screen. Then just put it away and go lie down.
Depression isn't just being " Sad ". It's just.. A feeling of emptiness. Nothing seems to cheer me up... The things I loved o do just.. Seem so pointless to me now.
2015 was rather uneventful, Just me physically and mentally getting worse to the point I stopped talking much in real life and online. I lost a few friends despite me telling them that I was feeling extremely down. Maybe they weren't good friends in the first place. I don't care.
I began getting annoyed at the smallest things and began turning on people I loved left, right and center. I did horrible things. Things I will forever regret. An example? I heard a friend talking about me and why I was in such a raging mood. I.. Went up to her and smacked her across the face. She began to cry and I just stood there with no empathy. I hate myself for that. She forgave me but It will still haunt me for the rest of my life. I'm scared that I am no longer a good person. That same Friend visited me in Hospital and gave me a Pop! Vinyl Dragonborn Skyrim Figure as a Get Well Present. Heck.. Even writing this makes me want to weep with guilt.
I'm so Sorry..
December came and I took a trip out East. Maybe the new enviroment would help. Alot of People here were telling me to take a holiday. All of them just looked at me and could tell what my mental state was. Was my Depression really that obvious? Probably. Before, I would take care of myself and make sure I looked okay before going out. Now? Unshaven, Tired and Messy Hair.. People were shocked to see what I have become. A walking Skeleton. Anway, Went out East to stay with some Friends. Things were slightly better. Even ran into this.
Stayed there until January. One thing I did noticed throughout 2015 was my Feet. Any kind of Hot Air, Hot Water or even putting the bed cover over them would make them turn red, hot and painful. Literally burning.
After returning to London, My feet were getting worse. So bad that I ended up in Hospital again in February. Four times.
Twice through Accident and Emergency where they just said It was poor circulation [ First time ] and Raynaud's Disease [ Second time ].
How did I end up there a third time? I woke up one night in extreme pain. My feet had become red and very swollen. They were covered in sores and blisters. That is usually an emergency for a Diabetic.. If not treated in time, They could form into an Ulcer or even Necrosis. That would eventually lead to Gangrene and require amputation. It was so painful and the thought of losing my feet made me end up in tears and I couldn't even walk due to the pain.. My friends helped me to the Hospital where I stayed for nearly a week. They put me on Antibiotics in case I had cellulitis and they also began giving me strong painkillers to try and ease the pain. They hardly worked.
They even gave me shots of Morphine. And that didn't even stop the pain. Eventually, The swelling went down slightly but remained around my ankles. Doctor came and said I was ready to go Home since I looked fine from a medical view. I said I didn't feel comfortable going home due to the swelling around my ankles but he said they were going to discharge me anyway. As I was taken Home, I noticed purple marks on the toes on my right foot. Not a Good Sign.
I go Home and I am hardly there for 24 Hours before the pain comes back. This episode was so bad that I passed out and an ambulance was called. More Morphine was given and I was taken back to Hospital. Ended up there for another week. During my stay, I was told my Heart Rate was constantly elevated at extremely high levels and that my Liver Function was also high. Had another pain episode while I was there that I passed out again and an emergency team was called. They put me on Oxygen since my Heart was going crazy. When I was conscious again, They kept monitoring me closely until they were sure I was Okay.
I was told the pain was due to Diabetic Neuropathy. This is damage done to the nerves due to High Glucose in the Blood.. And the nervss in my Feet had been badly affected and would either make my feet feel as If they were on fire or being electrocuted.
As for the marks on my Toes [ Potentially disturbing Image ] -
They were unsure If It was Blood pooling in my Toes or Necrosis.
The remaining swelling went down and I was sent Home with a ton of Painkillers and Medication. Occasionally, The pain returns but the medication has been helping.. So far.
Today, I went for a Neurology Test where they send electrical pulses through you to test your Nerves. It was pretty painful..
The results? Not Good.
There was large nerve damage in my Legs which explains why anything Hot makes them red and painful. What does this mean for me? Am I not able to take Hot Showers anymore? Stand in the Sun? Even wearing Jeans or Shoes and Socks triggers it as even as I type this, My feet are Hot and burning slightly. I have to go out wearing nothing but Slippers as you can see in the Image above. People give me weird looks as It is still Winter but what else can I do?
That isn't all. Turns out some nerves related to my Heart have been damaged. That explains why my Heart Rate is constantly elevated. I am unsure what this all means for me in the Future.
I wish there was a cure. If there is one in the future, God willing.. Maybe It would be too late for me. Depression and Diabetes has really left me as nothing but a wreck. I just sit here sometime in silence by myself and then I just.. Cry. I just let it all out as thoughts of Amputation, Heart Failure, Liver and Kidney Failure and Blindness plague my mind.
I'm Scared. I am Terrified. In Hospital... Twice, I attempted to end my Life by wrapping a cord around my neck. I've had this disease since 2007 and It has become progressively worse, No matter how well I have tried to control it. My Glucose Levels have been stable for the last few weeks.. I've gone for a Low Carbohydrate Diet and this has potentially saved me alot of trouble. But the damage is done. Depression hasn't helped my mental state and I just feel empty inside. Only Sadness, Grief and Anger.
I wish this was all a bad dream and I would wake up back in 2007, 14 years old again and not be a Type-1 Diabetic.
But It's the harsh reality.
Thank you for reading.. I just thought I should give an Update.
TL;DR - Diabetes, Depression, Neuropathy and potential Heart Problems ruining my Life and making me contemplate ending it all.